Flight of Minerva

Women's Work

2008-07-31T15:25:00.004+01:00

I reviewed this book for an academic journal. The reason why I put it here is because, despite the efforts of feminist economists and some political theorists, women's work remains marginalised in academic discourse. I am a very big fan of Tom Hodgkinson's 'How to Be Idle' and his website, 'The Idler', but there is a subversive voice in my head that keeps saying, "And what does his wife think of all this?" I imagine her sorting out the house and the kids whilst Tom is down the pub, idling. "Well, he's better off, there," she sighs, "At least I can get on with things without being interrupted by a lecture about Marx". Women weave together the threads of life and death, out of which come the stories which construct meaning in the world. Today, as many women migrate across the globe to do the work that nobody else wants to do, those stories have become ever more complex, and multi-layered. The danger inherent in Tom's philosophy of idling is that, whilst it generates a vital critique of capitalism, it may do so at the expense of reinforcing new kinds of alienation, ones which are manifested in the labour of women from developing countries. We return then to a very traditional self-sufficiency - one that sustained Aristotle in his advocacy of contemplation as the highest form of human excellence - slavery.

Here is my review which is written in academic-speak. It is no subsitute for reading the original.

‘Women’s Work’ as Political Art: Weaving and Dialectical Politics in Homer, Aristophanes, and Plato, by Lisa Pace Vetter.

Plato, the discursive feminist, is an unlikely figure. This book, however, makes an ingenious attempt to persuade us that Plato’s use of the metaphor of weaving has the resources to reconcile essentialist and post-structural approaches in feminist theory. In the ancient world, weaving is an indispensable female labour loaded with political, as well as social, significance. Weaving is a skill – a techne – associated with knowledge (p4), and invested with political meaning through the image of the weaving back and forth of disparate elements, resulting in a unity which either subsumes or maintains their distinctiveness. Vetter illustrates how the metaphor of weaving is employed in the dramatic narratives of Homer’s Penelope and Aristophanes’ Lysistrata. Penelope and Lysistrata ultimately fail to make the metaphor of weaving yield its full potential as a vehicle of political renewal through deliberation. Penelope’s emphasis on like-mindedness fails to unite a diverse group of citizens, whilst Lysistrata’s techne approach imposes peace at the price of an unsustainable homogeneity. Plato, however, confronts us with the surprising possibility of setting in place ‘a permanent dialectic between subjectivity and objectivity that is open to continual reinterpretation’ (p23). Vetter shows us that Plato’s characterisation of Socrates establishes a critical and self-reflective dialogue which can accommodate many viewpoints and modes of expression.

What is intriguing in Vetter’s interpretation is the suggestion that Plato, the foundationalist, steers a course between modified essentialist theories, such as Nussbaum’s ‘Aristotelian capacities’ approach, and theories of plurality and diversity. According to Vetter, Plato demonstrates that foundationalism does not necessarily exclude discursive flexibility and the recognition of difference - an insight which deserves further elaboration in a contemporary context. Weaving exemplifies the subordinated domestic labour of women in the ancient world: today, the work of women – particularly in the international division of labour – has hardly advanced. Women and girls are clustered in low paid, poor quality work and unpaid domestic labour, which forces them to weave back and forth between the private and the public spheres ever more complex and diverse patterns. A discursive approach which admits the global economy to political scrutiny is urgently needed, and the contemporary work of women, woven together across borders, spaces, cultures and generations, is a good platform upon which to engender a dialectical commonness which does not eliminate difference – an approach which is very much in the spirit of Vetter’s Plato.

Yarning

2008-07-28T13:09:00.004+01:00

I am starting something new. Inspired by bloggers who knit and craft, I thought I would revive my basic skills and set my fingers to a practical task. I love the colour and detail of the tree bark, so I rifled about in my daughter's cupboard to find some great chunky wooden needles and this fabulous yarn. My idea is to create lots of squares using thick yarn in white, red and brown (perhaps yellow) and then stitch them together into a shawl or rug. I have no idea what I am doing.... but I'm going to have a go anyway.

Yarning, of course, also means story telling - the art of story telling is something I know a little more about because of my interest in writing. By employing physical skills - no matter how mediocre - I feel I am spinning out a narrative of my life, my sorrows and my hopes.

Recovery

2008-07-28T10:34:00.002+01:00

Apart from my personal experiences of being widowed, most of what I know about grieving in a general sense I have learnt from two sources: Kate Boydell's book, 'Death and How to Survive it', and her website, merrywidow; and Virginia Ironside's book, 'You'll Get Over It'. Virginia's book is an angry, honest confrontation with death in all its agony and strangeness. Kate's book is grounded in her philosophy that grief can be integrated into one's life, that it can be worked through, and that the bereaved person will, once again, be happy. I have taken her approach to be the right one to adhere to - personally, I cannot abide the thought that my girls and I will not lead full and rich lives. Of course, we shall not forget our dear man, but I do not accept that the memory of what we had can be used as a reason to hobble through life, crippled and aimless. I do not say that we have reached a point of reconciliation today, but that we will reach it at some moment in our futures. The physical agony of grieving is easing, and I am able to be more active in the public world. I am very lonely without my best friend and lover, and sometimes this loneliness is almost more than I can stand (at my low times, I feel this loneliness like a wild madness that surges through my body), but I am better today than I was sixteen months ago. And I believe, with Kate, that recovery is possible.

My Companion

2008-07-27T17:41:00.003+01:00

Here she is - my little Norwegian Forest Cat. She is only a year old and small but leggy like a teenager. Norwegian Forest Cats have an unusual temperament - they love to be in company with humans and other animals. Mine has struck up a loyal friendship with another of my cats and they play like children in the garden. She is very gentle and never shows her claws - she follows us like a little dog, but she is so silent and light on her feet that sometimes she gets accidentally stood on! She is too polite to hold a grudge and is soon back weaving round our ankles. Eventually she will grow a double coat and become quite large, but Norwegian Forest Cats can take five years to achieve their maturity.

Animals can have a fine sensitivity to the suffering of their owners. Many bereaved people have reported how much they have deepened in their relationship with their pets and how grateful they have been for their friendship.

The Early Days

2008-07-27T15:12:00.004+01:00

Follow on from my post below, I think that the Early Days of mourning need special consideration. Here is an entry from some notes that I made at the time (two weeks after my husband died):

'I remember the moment of occupation - it was when Fi was driving me home. A five hour journey during which the numbness of shock gradually sloughed off me and I gave birth to mourning. My skin was stripped, replaced by strange tingles and shocks through my body; my being was invaded by something, a force, a wave of dreadful agony. This some-thing has become my familiar, my companion - I walk with it, sleep with it, wake up with it. I have been yielded up to dreadful awareness. His total physical presence - the empty space takes on his beloved shape - the way he sat, the way he smiled, his voice, his eyes, his hair. The very particular way in which he was materially and bodily present has been delivered up to me, and it is no comfort. It is no kind, gentle remembrance, but a stab, a violent invasion by pain. No will of mine can resist it; its victory is without boundaries.'

This passes, it passes, and you will become the victor. But not with loss, not without a price to be paid.

Knowledge

2008-07-27T13:25:00.005+01:00

Death, not sex or money, is the last great taboo in our modern, 'liberated' societies. People draw back in horror from those who are stricken with mourning - they fear a contamination, a curse, that might transfer itself to them, and, most of all, they fear their own death.

Those who grieve - particularly those who have lost somebody young (a child or partner) - suffer terribly from the social isolation that appears to be a common feature of modern mourning. They experience the diminishment of social networks; of friends who pass them on the other side of the road; of workplaces that expect them to be back fully functioning in a matter of weeks; of grieving children neglected by the education system.

Some of this isolation could be mitigated if there was a greater social understanding of the suffering engendered by mourning. In the same way that it has become normal for children to learn the facts about the beginning of life, then they should also be taught about the end of life and what happens to those who grieve. And there really is some basic knowledge that would help those who mourn:

1. A major bereavement lasts, not weeks, but years - one to three years, on average. And then some if the grieving has become complicated; the shock of sudden death, for example, unbalances a person's physical resistance to disease and affects their cognitive functioning.
2. The experience of bereavement is not just feeling a bit sad, but demonstrates itself in physical pain - a weight in your chest that never lifts, clenching and anxiety in the stomach, loss of concentration, loss of appetite, sometimes hair loss, muscle pain and inability to walk properly. These experiences come and go in waves, like the tide coming in and out, with great intensity for about three to twelve months. These overwhelming sensations gradually ease, but then the mourner is left with a kind of grey trudging. Depression can set in and at this point the medical professsion often get involved by prescribing drugs. The mourner can seem as if they are functioning, and will probably have returned to work and family life, but they have lost all their defense mechanisms. They are highly sensitive, very vulnerable and often very lonely.
3. Except in rare circumstances, drugs are not the answer. A mourner who is well supported by family, friends and workplace will recover - slowly, and with set backs, but they will recover. A mourner needs to be in community with others, but they also need alot of time alone to think, to feel and to grieve. Drugs interfere with this process. Care is much better - in the early days, a bereaved person is like a new born baby. They may not be able to take care of themselves or of their children - they may need help with cooking and shopping. They need to be offered nutritious food, even if they cannot eat much of it, and they need to be offered company, even if they select aloneness.
4. Mourners are undergoing immense psychological change that takes all their physical and emotional energy (and remember this process will continue for months/years). Workplaces should provide support in the form of part-time working and mentoring to assist bereaved people back into their jobs. Schools should take special care of children that are grieving and educate their staff in the effects of mourning.
5. The loss is now a permanent part of the mourner, but the grieving can be successful worked out. Mourners can be happy again, they can regain their trust in the world and they can have flourishing lives. They will never forget, and, to some degree, sadness or tragedy may be stamped on them for the rest of their lives, but the worst will pass. But it will take time - lots of time - lots of patience, self-awareness and gentleness.

Don't hurry mourning - do what you need to do to get through each moment. Trust yourself to know what is best for you - although, by all means, consult those who seem to possess insight into your situation. You need to give yourself a huge amount of self-care. Recognise that society in general will be very poor at supporting you, but that there will be a few precious people who will come with you on the journey. Encourage those people. Remember, you may not be given wisdom (I reject the efficacy of suffering argument - I am no wiser, or kinder for having suffered; in fact, I am more short-tempered, and intolerant), but you will be given knowledge - knowledge of life and death, and of human nature. One day, perhaps, what you have learnt will be a pearl beyond price to another suffering person. In the meantime, your task is to take care of yourself and your immediate dependents.

http://technorati.com/tag/bereavement

Citizen's Income

2008-06-22T14:42:00.002+01:00

My recent postings on human rights has caused me to think about the means to ensure that rights become effective, rather than simply formal, rights. Effective rights requires the distribution of resources, and one of the most radical ways to place real resources into the hands of all of us in a manner that treats us as equals, entitled to liberty and the opportunity to pursue our own conceptions of the good life, would be a Citizen's Income. A citizen's income is not a minimum wage, but a non-means tested income which is provided for all citizens on the basis of their personhood and their membership of a nation state. The common criticism is that such a policy would encourage 'free-riders' or surfers who idle all day on Malibu beach. There are two problems with this argument, firstly, the empirical assumption that surfers make no social or economic contribution. In fact, in the UK, surfing communities generate significant local income in the form of retail, sporting and tourist activities. Secondly, the moral judgement that idling is generally a bad thing, which would, of course, depend upon what one means by idling. Ivan Illich wrote 'The Right to Useful Unemployment' in order to recognise a far wider range of social contribution than waged labour, and a recent defense of idling based upon sustainable living and the freedom to choose written by Tom Hodgekinson called 'How to be Idle'. See the Idler website: http://idler.co.uk.

Faded

2008-06-21T17:53:00.002+01:00

I don't know if it is the medium of blogging or my state of mind, but reading back through some of my posts I am unimpressed with the spelling mistakes and poor grammar. Eventually, I shall go back and correct some of the worst, but at the moment, I feel like a faded negative of myself. All the vibrant and fluent parts of me are flattened and hollow. I am there, but I am without colour. Originality, incisiveness, rationality have all been kissed by the poision apple, and they are in hibernation. I am only able to speak or write in short, sharp yelps.

Refreshment

2008-06-21T17:42:00.004+01:00

A soft summer rain had been falling all day today. Well, of course, wimbeldon starts next week! There is something special about rain that allows you access to the garden - scents and colours are intensified by the moisture - tiny details, such as the droplets upon petals, attract the eye. The musk from the new flowers on my rambling rector was heady, and the sky was a lambent dove grey.

I take such sweetness as a gift, and of hope that there are tomorrows in which my girls and I will live in fullness.

Fruiting

2008-06-21T17:25:00.003+01:00

I have been sick. The year has passed and I thought I would be passed grieving, but it appears that this is not so. For the past week, I have been unable to work, or think, or even feel - exhaustion has pressed into every part of my mind and body. I am heart-sick and weary. Yet, I have taken some harvest from the garden - the strawberries have been as sweet as the summer sun, and the potatoes are flavourful and comforting. Now the courgette flowers (those which have escaped slug damage!) are bursting with outrageous colour. I caught one unfurling in the evening - it had taken on a strange, other-wordly glow as it caught the light of the setting sun within its transparent petals.

I found these lines from Marvell's 'The Nymph Complaining for the Death of her Fawn' (1681)

'I have a garden of my own,

But so with roses overgrown,

And lilies, that you would it guess

To be a little wilderness'......

'Had it lived long, it would have been

Lilies without, roses within.'

For the moment, all my harvest seems as blighted and withered as a nuclear winter, but I remain hopeful for the 'roses within'.

African Widows and Human Rights

2008-06-12T20:22:00.003+01:00

This is an extremely thorough, 'full immersion' account of the plight of African widows:

http://www.crisisstates.com/download/forum/HIV/901widowsaids.pdf

The Politics of Everyday Living

2008-06-11T20:57:00.005+01:00

Anyone who reads my blog might be wondering about how to catergorise it. At first glance, it is concerned with a personal journey through grieving, but I also indicate my research interests in political theory and have one or two posts of a political nature. I make no apology for this - I am of the Aristotelian persuasion that 'man (and woman and child) is a political animal', and I agree with Hannah Arendt on the importance of political action for living a fully human life. For me, politics, in the broadest sense of well-being and human flourishing rather than simply maximisation of self-interests, is about every day living. My children's education, the home we enjoy, our relations with others, even the tragedy of sudden death, touches the political at every turn. Therefore discussions about human rights, whilst also talking about how to run a home or research a project, are essential.

Eleanor Roosevelt said of the UDHR, 'Where after all, do human rights begin? In small places, close to home - so close and so small that they cannot be seen on any maps of the world. Yet they are the world of the individual person; the neighbourhood he lives in; the school or college he attends; the factory, farm or office where he works. Such are the places where every man, woman and child seeks equal justice, equal opportunity, equal dignity without discrimination. Unless these rights have meaning there, they have little meaning anywhere. Without concerted citizen action to uphold them close to home, we shall look in vain for progress in the larger world'

Human rights do not belong to governments, international insitutions or even NGOs. They belong to us - ordinary people engaged in the ordinary activities of living and dying. We should reclaim both the duty and the public pleasure of talking about them because by doing so, we extend our capabilities for sympathy with the suffering of others, coming to realise that they suffer because they are human in exactly the same way that we, ourselves, are human.

The Kindness of Strangers

2008-06-10T19:04:00.006+01:00

The space that my children and I have for grieving is secured by privilege - we live in a peaceful, wealthy western democracy with welfare support and employment opportunities. The slow pace of life I described in my previous post which is conducive to healing and hopefulness will be unknown to most widows around the world. Women's rights are often widow's rights. Widows in many countries constitute one of the poorest, and most marginalised groups of people; when they lose their husbands, they lose their humanity. Hannah Arendt said that the worst thing that could happen to a person was if they became merely human - bare life without a place in society or respected identity. Many widows belong nowhere - they are simply human life. They are blamed for the death of their husbands, and consequently they can be stripped of their property, ousted from employment, rejected and abused. Needless to say, their human rights count for nothing because they have been deprived of the fully human status which would support their claims.

WRI (widow's rights international) is an NGO which says alot more about this - they provide case studies and money for the documentation of human rights abuses. The respecting of women's rights is closely linked to the implementation of socio-economic rights (of education, welfare and work), and needs to be seen in a context of sensitive economic and social development which includes initiative such as micro-financing (see links below).

http://www.widowsrights.org/

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/6047364.stm (micro-financing)

http://www.microloanfoundation.org.uk/

Micro-financing is controversial; some commentators refute that it is effective in helping the poorest. An alternative is to think about global redistributive justice (from the wealthy to the poor across the globe, not simply within the nation state). The difficulty here is that we have no sense of cosmopolitan citizenship which would legitimise (and give moral force to) the idea of helping distant strangers.

Sun Blessed

2008-06-10T18:33:00.005+01:00

I have found that the intensity of grieving requires a steady, calm way of life, sustained by friends and family. When I take time in the sunshine to pick strawberries, then the physical knots of anxiety and loneliness ease for a little while. I can no longer lead the hectic existence of a multi-tasking mum - everything has become local, small-scale, slow-paced.

Today, I decided to link my blog to some directories and to make some links to sites that I enjoy or are useful. This, of course, makes it a more public endeavour, and I am grateful to those who have already commented or linked me to their neighbourhood (I think that is the term). I understand that it is 'blogging etiquette' to reply to comments, but, being a techno slow-learner, I have not worked out how to do this. So, I thank you and hope you will be patient.

Grief and Bereavement Arena

2008-06-10T10:26:00.003+01:00

I stumbled across this very useful resource created by the publishers, Routledge. They have developed an online and accessible space which is shared by professionals on death and bereavement, and those who have personal experience of bereavement. This seems to be a good step in the direction of a general education about death which needs to take place in society and in our schools, along side the now well-established general education on sex, childbirth and parenting, or even personal finance education. Children should learn about the end of life, as well as the beginning of life, and a more modest view of our physical mortality (including a greater acceptance of the ageing process) should prevail.

http://www.bereavementarena.com/

Green Widow

2008-06-09T14:25:00.003+01:00

Kate Boydell is the founder of 'merrywidow' and the author of 'Death and How to Survive it'. She has helped many widows and widowers on their hard journey. Here is an article she contributed to which was prompted by the death of Natascha McElhone's husband:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/portal/main.jhtml?view=DETAILS&grid=&xml=/portal/2008/05/30/ftwidows130.xml

Natascha is pregnant with their third child and for those who are in a similar position Greenwidow is an organisation which offers help:

http://www.greenwidow.com/

Public Widows

2008-06-09T14:19:00.001+01:00

This post is a bit of work in progress. I am drawing together a few media articles on prominant women who have been widowed. The following is the BBC programme, 'The Widow's Tale'. More coming...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/tv_and_radio/widows_index.shtml

9/11

2008-06-09T14:14:00.003+01:00

An extremely interesting item on the research work of Susan Faludi, examining how society has treated the 9/11 widows:

http://books.guardian.co.uk/extracts/story/0,,2257969,00.html

Masked

2008-06-08T16:50:00.001+01:00

Carnival time - only three years ago. Always ready for a drama, the children are masked and ready to go. Now, we put on our masks every day, but it gives us no pleasure. The children must wear their happy masks for schools, and I must wear my competent mask to the office. It's not that people expect us to be over grieving, but they do expect us to be alright - to be functioning, capable and engaged. Yet, a grieving person has no control over their mental fogginess; their loss of concentration; the way the hours slip by and nothing seems to have been done. I am convinced something happens to the chemistry of the brain. There is improvement (and I hold out for the full return of my mental functioning), but it is not improvement on demand. All you can do is till the ground for the improvement to grow - for us, this has meant a slower, steadier life with a few friends; a regular routine of being at home and going out to school/office; and letting each person do their own thing with no demands that they should be behaving like this or like that.

Cosy

2008-06-08T11:58:00.001+01:00

I have not felt such a strong 'nesting instinct' since the children were tiny babies. I take it to be a phase that I shall pass through, but, for the moment, I have yielded to the desire to wrap us in warmth and security. So, of course, we need our security blankets! I bought these two welsh blankets from Jen Jones because we were feeling cold all the time, even in the warmer weather, and duvets did not seem to answer to our need. I find the small details of colour and texture restful; taking time to be attentive to subtle shades has helped to ease some of the anxious stress & pain that clamps onto my chest. It brings a little relief. I also have a light green durham quilt which I bought off ebay, and I think about the woman who would have stitched it. In her time, early death would have been far more common than it is today, and she would have been experienced in mourning. Mourning is a practice that we have lost, along with many household handicrafts. Did she stitch her pain into the quilt? It is not beyond the realms of possibility. I do not have her skill, but I have stitched my pain into the fabric of our lives - whilst we live fully, we grieve fully.

The Life of a Dad

2008-06-08T10:26:00.000+01:00

I have not required my children to do anything or say anything that they do not wish to. A friend provided them both with the materials to create a memory book. My eldest has not wanted to, but the youngest has recently taken up the idea and made a beautiful book of photos, drawings and comments.

Forget-me-not

2008-06-08T09:53:00.001+01:00

About a month after I had been widowed, a friend phoned and asked me how I was getting on. My parents had returned home, the funeral was over, the financial mess was starting to make itself known, my eldest daughter had nearly given up attending school. I was in a terrible state of intense physical and mental anguish, and I was choking back tears that were as corrosive as acid. 'I am not good,' I replied, 'Not good at all'. 'Is it because you have to do everything?' my friend asked. 'No, it's the grief,' I said. Of course, at one level, my friend was correct - to suddenly become a single mother after years of a well-made marriage in which family duties were shared does not make a person feel very good. But at another level, my friend misunderstood the intensity of the grief I was experiencing - an experience for which I had no background knowledge and nobody to guide me. And I was utterly taken up by it - I was in a fire of pain that admitted no other person, acknowledged no other duty, and took all of my attention. Other friends came and rescued me - fed my children and sat with me until my parents returned. I was as incapable as a new born lamb.

As early as the week after my husband died, people would talk about remembering him. I found this incomprehensible. Memories seemed (and still seem) inappropriate when that person's presence is everywhere vivid and vital. It has taken me a while to sort this out, but this is how I understand it - I cannot remember him, but I can never forget him. My whole being is patterned by our shared life and, whilst I am working hard at becoming an individuated person again, I cannot recall memories, but I can remain aware of his influence in my life and those of our children.

The three of us

2008-06-07T21:37:00.000+01:00

Three is too few - it feels like a wobbly stool. The only way I have managed to survive the last year is because of the generous support of my parents, but we have agreed that they need to spend more time at home for their own rest and recuperation. This means we have to become a three - a three that must become strong. Yet we are knotted inside our separate selves and find it hard to connect properly with one another. So I took the photo of the roses to show myself how three can sit amongst the thorns and still be beautiful together.

Widows Worldwide

2008-06-07T18:47:00.000+01:00

Being widowed is devastating, but in some cultures it is life threatening. Here are a couple of articles from Open Democracy on the vulnerability of widows to violence and violation of their human rights:

http://www.opendemocracy.net/blog/5050/widowhood_and_violence

http://www.opendemocracy.net/blog/nepals_widows

Shabby Chic for the Soul

2008-06-07T16:04:00.000+01:00

Shabby chic and vintage are everywhere on our high streets and most of it is alot of expensive tosh. For anyone who is grieving, or suffering a trauma, however, shabby chic, done in the right spirit, is beautifully fitted to our circumstances. Shabby chic can be forgiving, flexible, relaxed and affordable. Mismatched china from charity shops and vintage blankets from car boot sales arranged in a way that pleases you, then it does not matter if the pots and pans are stacked up; the ironing lies around in piles; or the floors are scattered with children's art projects - it simply looks as if it is part of the style. I think the key is to keep colour palates consistent in each living space; so, in the kitchen I have greens, blues and some pinks; in the dining room, whites, pale blues, creams and a little red; and in the lounge, sunny colours of yellow, terracotta, green and rosy red. The point is to experiment and not to be too concerned that it is a bit rough around the edges - it is a style which is freeing and beholden to nobody.

Children who are Grieving

2008-06-05T11:22:00.001+01:00

Children who are grieving need very special care and attention - this is frequently unavailable. Schools are ill equipped to give the kind of individuated support that will bring a child through the worst and they misunderstand the capacity of the surviving parent to mediate between them and the child. I would attend meetings for my fourteen year old and speak with great resilience and clarity - as soon as I had left the room, however, I utterly forgot every word that was spoken and every plan that we had been made. The parent is not being obstructive, but the mind and body can cope with only so much - your whole being is withdrawn to a place beyond proper communication. My fourteen year old has grieved with the strength of an adult but without an adult's defences - her's is a genuine tragedy.

Those who can help include Winston's Wish, and, in our case, Daisy's Dream

Dreaming

2008-06-05T11:07:00.000+01:00

My dreams have altered. At the beginning I met my husband in my dreams, and I experienced a mixture of anger and relief. I told him - 'you know the life insurance did not pay out'; he replied, with his lovely smile that always brought me round - 'I know, I'm sorry'. I wanted him to return to me and yet, I wanted him to go - I did not want to be haunted. Dreaming of the dead has a strange allure and yet brings with it a feeling of distaste, as if a forbidden barrier has been crossed. I can't say I relish the experiences but I cannot prevent them from happening.

After a major bereavement, the veils between life and death become thin - sometimes it is hard to discern which side of the breach you are on. It occurred to me that the time would come when I would know more people who are dead than who are alive. I think that death then loses all its fearsome presence - how can it be frightening to walk the path that so many you have loved have already walked? This does not diminish life - instead small details spring from the background: the petal of a rose; the leaves jewelled with dew; the light in a child's eyes; the tea made fresh and hot from the pot. Life becomes precious in the shadows that draw around to comfort and sustain.

The Strangeness of Grief

2008-06-04T19:58:00.000+01:00

In her excellent radio programme, 'I don't know what to say', Barbara Want (widow of Nick Clarke) discusses the first eighteen months of her bereavement with those who ignored her and those who helped her. What she communicates with eloquence and grace is how the shrivelling of social patterns of grieving expands the suffering of the bereaved. The comments of those who failed to offer her support but who (bravely) responded to Barbara's request to discuss their reactions - 'you were wearing sunglasses and were shut away' - suggest that they felt her lack of responsiveness was her own fault for being 'inaccessible'.

I think it is very important to highlight the agony that these small acts of neglect cause those who are in the early stages of grief - it adds to their disorientation and confusion as they realise that they have been ousted from their place in society (i.e. as wife, husband, parent, child). A young widow is particularly vulnerable - after all feminism has only had a few decades, but the archetypal figure of the Widow has had millenia to become rooted deep within the human psyche. I remain astonished by people's reactions - their ignorance, silence and fear. I am amazed by the Strangeness of Grief - its capacity to exile us from living; its wierd physical and mental manifestations; and its endurance.

Return

2008-06-04T19:10:00.000+01:00

I have re-found my blog. And what I entered in my last post seems touched with a certain foresight. I took the path through the woods, leaving behind me all comfortable defenses, and wandered in wild and desperate ways through the darkness. Grieving for the sudden death of your spouse is an journey into, not enlightenment, but knowledge. You do not become wise but you do become aware. Most people are too terrified of death to accompany you on your journey - the simplest expressions of human warmth and of acknowledgement of your grief is beyond them. I do think the lack of acknowledgement has been one of the hardest absences to bear - the suffering person you have become is invisible, literally without presence - a shadow as ghostly as the memory of your loved one.

There are a few who step forward - and I have become interested in what enables some (very few) to encounter the bereaved. I think they have something in common with the rescuers of Jews during the holocaust, and there was an interesting item on Radio 4 today about the 'Heroic Imagination' - a study of the characteristics of those who undertake extraordinary action. Another perspective is offered by Frankl who said of the survivors of the Nazi concentration camps - 'we knew that the best of us did not return'. I know that I am not one of the best (my qualities are ordianary), but I do know that I have returned and will do so from whatever wanderings into the wilderness may be required of me. My capacities are being increased, although I do not introspect on what those are and how they might be employed. I simply take the next corner......

Questing

2007-11-26T17:14:00.001Z

Thinking of William Morris reminded me of one of my favourite tapestries - the search for the Holy Grail. I like the abandonment of the shields at the edge of the forest, and the path winding irresistably between the trees. Who knows what awaits in the shadows? The wild wood lies at the boundaries of our consciousness - we know that someday we may be required to venture into its territories. Yet the shields suggest that there will be a return - we will come back as story tellers, with something to share with those who ask us (not all will ask and stories should not be foisted on unwilling ears).

Owlet

2007-11-26T14:54:00.000Z

I don't know about the efficacy of suffering - I don't think that the possibility of learning wisdom through pain means that suffering ought to be welcomed or, somehow, indulged in. However, if suffering comes our way, perhaps we might remain open to moments of brightness and hope breaking through into darkened spirits. Suffering should connect us to living, not banish us to an 'inner citadel' (Isaiah Berlin). Equally, creating a beautiful, unique home is what gives us the energy and inspiration to play an active part in the world. After all, William Morris, designer of so many lovely things, was also a political thinker (read his utopian fantasy, 'Road to Nowhere')

So, here is something bright and pink which helps young girls whose lives are hard:

http://www.girlabout.co.uk/watfordhome.htm

Money Matters

2007-11-26T14:32:00.000Z

Those who have been widow (ed) think about money alot. Of course, we think about our loved ones, too, but they can no longer help us put food on the table and keep children in ipod shuffles. Occasionally, a very lucky widowed person finds that they do not have to worry about money - wills have been written and are valid; life insurance companies pay out (rather than finding a reason for non-disclosure or reduced payment); employer's provide death in service benefits. More often than not, however, one or more of these provisions fail (or were never in place to begin with). Loved ones die intestate with debts and mortgages; they might have lied on their insurance forms; and they often leave expensive, 21st century children who suddenly have to adjust their expectations. State benefits are inadequate because the newly bereaved parent is now a SINGLE parent - a marginalised person who must pull their weight in the formal economy. Our years of loyal marriage count for nothing - in fact, those who are separated by death are disadvantaged compared to those who are separated by divorce. Our widowed parent allowance is taxed, and so is any pension from an employer, whereas those who receive child maintenance on a divorce settlement do not have to pay income tax on that amount. This is an injustice and a kick in the teeth to those who were married 'until death do us part' - keeping promises brings no tax benefits.

For a really good article on death and finances - the MoneyObserver published 'Death and its Financial Consequences' in their December 2007 magazine.

For a almost racy read on personal finances for women - 'Love is not Enough - A Smart Woman's Guide to Making (& Keeping) Money' by Merryn Somerset Webb

Kate's Book

2007-11-26T14:22:00.000Z

For those who have been widowed young, Kate Boydell's book, 'Death and How to Survive It' - often simply called 'Kate's Book' by those who have depended upon its wisdom - is essential reading. So is her website 'Merrywidow' - www.merrywidow.me.uk. There are very few sources of genuine and useful help, but this is one of them. It does not pretend that things won't be hard (once we've entered into grieving we can work that out for ourselves), but it does say that there is hope - that healing is possible and that the bereaved can be happy. The alternative - bitterness, depression, a blighted life - is too awful to contemplate, so, Kate's Book it is - thank you, Kate!

Clever Girl

2007-11-25T14:52:00.000Z

My heart has broken for the suffering of my girl - fourteen is too young to lose the Dad who treated her like a Princess. He helped her with so many things, including this fabulous pudding. She made it beautifully and he took the photo for a school project. Despair and pride battle within me when I think of all she must endure, but still there is hope.

Bureaucracy of Death

2007-11-25T14:37:00.000Z

One of the horrors of bereavement is the extent to which the State has an interest in the death of a loved one. There is no area of a deceased person's life that will remain private - their physical body must be examined and certified (an autopsy and inquest may also be required); their finances must be detailed for the tax man; banks etc will demand death certificates and explanations; their family, if there are dependant children, will have to seek help from welfare professionals (social services, counsellors), doctors and teachers - all of whom are arms of the State. The widow (er) will have to undertake the duties of the survivor whilst suffering from extreme mental and physical torment - there will be no help and no flexibility - the rules, after all, must be followed. It will feel as if all interests must be served before those of the surviving family, and once those interests are served, there can very often, be little left over.

Sweet Things

2007-11-24T18:16:00.000Z

Outside, it is a cold, grey Autumn. I gather my memories to warm me. For a while, we owned a Cornish cottage - my J found it and he loved it. It sat on the exposed ridge of a hill in the middle of a long curve of granite terraced houses, and looked across the fields to the sea. I created its interior out of cheap charity shop finds and lovely vintage furniture from Kelly at Vintage Lifestyle www.vintagelifestyle.co.uk . It was a bit shabby, not very chic, and I miss it very much.

Baby Steps

2007-11-24T16:46:00.000Z

When my J died earlier in the year I gave birth to grief. At first I was numb with shock and then, like a scab peeling away from a wound, agony broke through - it was a physical yielding up of my mind and body over which I had no control. The only experience I can compare it to is labour; giving birth to a child is a whole experience of the mind, body and spirit. In the same way, entering into mourning is to be fully occupied by anguish without remainder - there is no aspect of one's self that is untouched. So...each day is a baby step into something new - evolving into a different life, unchosen and gladly given up. To be widowed young is to experience the world's disapproval - there is something uniquely shocking in untimely death to the modern psyche that requires containment and management. The widow and her children are not welcome - their tears and terrible, desperate need are a challenge too great for most to bear. So, it is best to be prepared - society will give us a little time, but not much. Once we are past our 'grieve-by-date', concealment is our best option.

Turning of the Year

2007-11-19T18:51:00.001Z

The owls occupy the dusk. Harsh cries mingle with the shadows when I step from my back door and feel the element of their flight. The year has turned.

Minerva is the Goddess of wisdom, sciences, crafts, but also of war. She is a woman's Goddess, not only because she is the guardian of the arts, but also because she gives us a warning. Wisdom will not wait. When her owl flies, it is too late. We might have sought wisdom in the scribing of swallows across the sky or the scattering of seeds on the soil - from the ashes of the fire or the breath of a child, but we did not ask and now it is too late. Her owl has flown. Sometimes we miss the wisdom of foresight, but we are left with another kind of knowledge - of self- and other- awareness.

The famous quote below is from Hegel's 'Philosophy of Right':

'The owl of Minerva spreads its wings only with the falling of the dusk'.