Questing

Thinking of William Morris reminded me of one of my favourite tapestries - the search for the Holy Grail. I like the abandonment of the shields at the edge of the forest, and the path winding irresistably between the trees. Who knows what awaits in the shadows? The wild wood lies at the boundaries of our consciousness - we know that someday we may be required to venture into its territories. Yet the shields suggest that there will be a return - we will come back as story tellers, with something to share with those who ask us (not all will ask and stories should not be foisted on unwilling ears).

Owlet

I don't know about the efficacy of suffering - I don't think that the possibility of learning wisdom through pain means that suffering ought to be welcomed or, somehow, indulged in. However, if suffering comes our way, perhaps we might remain open to moments of brightness and hope breaking through into darkened spirits. Suffering should connect us to living, not banish us to an 'inner citadel' (Isaiah Berlin). Equally, creating a beautiful, unique home is what gives us the energy and inspiration to play an active part in the world. After all, William Morris, designer of so many lovely things, was also a political thinker (read his utopian fantasy, 'Road to Nowhere')

So, here is something bright and pink which helps young girls whose lives are hard:

http://www.girlabout.co.uk/watfordhome.htm

Money Matters

Those who have been widow (ed) think about money alot. Of course, we think about our loved ones, too, but they can no longer help us put food on the table and keep children in ipod shuffles. Occasionally, a very lucky widowed person finds that they do not have to worry about money - wills have been written and are valid; life insurance companies pay out (rather than finding a reason for non-disclosure or reduced payment); employer's provide death in service benefits. More often than not, however, one or more of these provisions fail (or were never in place to begin with). Loved ones die intestate with debts and mortgages; they might have lied on their insurance forms; and they often leave expensive, 21st century children who suddenly have to adjust their expectations. State benefits are inadequate because the newly bereaved parent is now a SINGLE parent - a marginalised person who must pull their weight in the formal economy. Our years of loyal marriage count for nothing - in fact, those who are separated by death are disadvantaged compared to those who are separated by divorce. Our widowed parent allowance is taxed, and so is any pension from an employer, whereas those who receive child maintenance on a divorce settlement do not have to pay income tax on that amount. This is an injustice and a kick in the teeth to those who were married 'until death do us part' - keeping promises brings no tax benefits.

For a really good article on death and finances - the MoneyObserver published 'Death and its Financial Consequences' in their December 2007 magazine.

For a almost racy read on personal finances for women - 'Love is not Enough - A Smart Woman's Guide to Making (& Keeping) Money' by Merryn Somerset Webb

Kate's Book

For those who have been widowed young, Kate Boydell's book, 'Death and How to Survive It' - often simply called 'Kate's Book' by those who have depended upon its wisdom - is essential reading. So is her website 'Merrywidow' - www.merrywidow.me.uk. There are very few sources of genuine and useful help, but this is one of them. It does not pretend that things won't be hard (once we've entered into grieving we can work that out for ourselves), but it does say that there is hope - that healing is possible and that the bereaved can be happy. The alternative - bitterness, depression, a blighted life - is too awful to contemplate, so, Kate's Book it is - thank you, Kate!

Clever Girl

My heart has broken for the suffering of my girl - fourteen is too young to lose the Dad who treated her like a Princess. He helped her with so many things, including this fabulous pudding. She made it beautifully and he took the photo for a school project. Despair and pride battle within me when I think of all she must endure, but still there is hope.

Bureaucracy of Death

One of the horrors of bereavement is the extent to which the State has an interest in the death of a loved one. There is no area of a deceased person's life that will remain private - their physical body must be examined and certified (an autopsy and inquest may also be required); their finances must be detailed for the tax man; banks etc will demand death certificates and explanations; their family, if there are dependant children, will have to seek help from welfare professionals (social services, counsellors), doctors and teachers - all of whom are arms of the State. The widow (er) will have to undertake the duties of the survivor whilst suffering from extreme mental and physical torment - there will be no help and no flexibility - the rules, after all, must be followed. It will feel as if all interests must be served before those of the surviving family, and once those interests are served, there can very often, be little left over.

Sweet Things

Outside, it is a cold, grey Autumn. I gather my memories to warm me. For a while, we owned a Cornish cottage - my J found it and he loved it. It sat on the exposed ridge of a hill in the middle of a long curve of granite terraced houses, and looked across the fields to the sea. I created its interior out of cheap charity shop finds and lovely vintage furniture from Kelly at Vintage Lifestyle www.vintagelifestyle.co.uk . It was a bit shabby, not very chic, and I miss it very much.

Baby Steps

When my J died earlier in the year I gave birth to grief. At first I was numb with shock and then, like a scab peeling away from a wound, agony broke through - it was a physical yielding up of my mind and body over which I had no control. The only experience I can compare it to is labour; giving birth to a child is a whole experience of the mind, body and spirit. In the same way, entering into mourning is to be fully occupied by anguish without remainder - there is no aspect of one's self that is untouched. So...each day is a baby step into something new - evolving into a different life, unchosen and gladly given up. To be widowed young is to experience the world's disapproval - there is something uniquely shocking in untimely death to the modern psyche that requires containment and management. The widow and her children are not welcome - their tears and terrible, desperate need are a challenge too great for most to bear. So, it is best to be prepared - society will give us a little time, but not much. Once we are past our 'grieve-by-date', concealment is our best option.

Turning of the Year

The owls occupy the dusk. Harsh cries mingle with the shadows when I step from my back door and feel the element of their flight. The year has turned.

Minerva is the Goddess of wisdom, sciences, crafts, but also of war. She is a woman's Goddess, not only because she is the guardian of the arts, but also because she gives us a warning. Wisdom will not wait. When her owl flies, it is too late. We might have sought wisdom in the scribing of swallows across the sky or the scattering of seeds on the soil - from the ashes of the fire or the breath of a child, but we did not ask and now it is too late. Her owl has flown. Sometimes we miss the wisdom of foresight, but we are left with another kind of knowledge - of self- and other- awareness.

The famous quote below is from Hegel's 'Philosophy of Right':

'The owl of Minerva spreads its wings only with the falling of the dusk'.