Death, not sex or money, is the last great taboo in our modern, 'liberated' societies. People draw back in horror from those who are stricken with mourning - they fear a contamination, a curse, that might transfer itself to them, and, most of all, they fear their own death.
Those who grieve - particularly those who have lost somebody young (a child or partner) - suffer terribly from the social isolation that appears to be a common feature of modern mourning. They experience the diminishment of social networks; of friends who pass them on the other side of the road; of workplaces that expect them to be back fully functioning in a matter of weeks; of grieving children neglected by the education system.
Some of this isolation could be mitigated if there was a greater social understanding of the suffering engendered by mourning. In the same way that it has become normal for children to learn the facts about the beginning of life, then they should also be taught about the end of life and what happens to those who grieve. And there really is some basic knowledge that would help those who mourn:
1. A major bereavement lasts, not weeks, but years - one to three years, on average. And then some if the grieving has become complicated; the shock of sudden death, for example, unbalances a person's physical resistance to disease and affects their cognitive functioning.
2. The experience of bereavement is not just feeling a bit sad, but demonstrates itself in physical pain - a weight in your chest that never lifts, clenching and anxiety in the stomach, loss of concentration, loss of appetite, sometimes hair loss, muscle pain and inability to walk properly. These experiences come and go in waves, like the tide coming in and out, with great intensity for about three to twelve months. These overwhelming sensations gradually ease, but then the mourner is left with a kind of grey trudging. Depression can set in and at this point the medical professsion often get involved by prescribing drugs. The mourner can seem as if they are functioning, and will probably have returned to work and family life, but they have lost all their defense mechanisms. They are highly sensitive, very vulnerable and often very lonely.
3. Except in rare circumstances, drugs are not the answer. A mourner who is well supported by family, friends and workplace will recover - slowly, and with set backs, but they will recover. A mourner needs to be in community with others, but they also need alot of time alone to think, to feel and to grieve. Drugs interfere with this process. Care is much better - in the early days, a bereaved person is like a new born baby. They may not be able to take care of themselves or of their children - they may need help with cooking and shopping. They need to be offered nutritious food, even if they cannot eat much of it, and they need to be offered company, even if they select aloneness.
4. Mourners are undergoing immense psychological change that takes all their physical and emotional energy (and remember this process will continue for months/years). Workplaces should provide support in the form of part-time working and mentoring to assist bereaved people back into their jobs. Schools should take special care of children that are grieving and educate their staff in the effects of mourning.
5. The loss is now a permanent part of the mourner, but the grieving can be successful worked out. Mourners can be happy again, they can regain their trust in the world and they can have flourishing lives. They will never forget, and, to some degree, sadness or tragedy may be stamped on them for the rest of their lives, but the worst will pass. But it will take time - lots of time - lots of patience, self-awareness and gentleness.
Don't hurry mourning - do what you need to do to get through each moment. Trust yourself to know what is best for you - although, by all means, consult those who seem to possess insight into your situation. You need to give yourself a huge amount of self-care. Recognise that society in general will be very poor at supporting you, but that there will be a few precious people who will come with you on the journey. Encourage those people. Remember, you may not be given wisdom (I reject the efficacy of suffering argument - I am no wiser, or kinder for having suffered; in fact, I am more short-tempered, and intolerant), but you will be given knowledge - knowledge of life and death, and of human nature. One day, perhaps, what you have learnt will be a pearl beyond price to another suffering person. In the meantime, your task is to take care of yourself and your immediate dependents.
Those who grieve - particularly those who have lost somebody young (a child or partner) - suffer terribly from the social isolation that appears to be a common feature of modern mourning. They experience the diminishment of social networks; of friends who pass them on the other side of the road; of workplaces that expect them to be back fully functioning in a matter of weeks; of grieving children neglected by the education system.
Some of this isolation could be mitigated if there was a greater social understanding of the suffering engendered by mourning. In the same way that it has become normal for children to learn the facts about the beginning of life, then they should also be taught about the end of life and what happens to those who grieve. And there really is some basic knowledge that would help those who mourn:
1. A major bereavement lasts, not weeks, but years - one to three years, on average. And then some if the grieving has become complicated; the shock of sudden death, for example, unbalances a person's physical resistance to disease and affects their cognitive functioning.
2. The experience of bereavement is not just feeling a bit sad, but demonstrates itself in physical pain - a weight in your chest that never lifts, clenching and anxiety in the stomach, loss of concentration, loss of appetite, sometimes hair loss, muscle pain and inability to walk properly. These experiences come and go in waves, like the tide coming in and out, with great intensity for about three to twelve months. These overwhelming sensations gradually ease, but then the mourner is left with a kind of grey trudging. Depression can set in and at this point the medical professsion often get involved by prescribing drugs. The mourner can seem as if they are functioning, and will probably have returned to work and family life, but they have lost all their defense mechanisms. They are highly sensitive, very vulnerable and often very lonely.
3. Except in rare circumstances, drugs are not the answer. A mourner who is well supported by family, friends and workplace will recover - slowly, and with set backs, but they will recover. A mourner needs to be in community with others, but they also need alot of time alone to think, to feel and to grieve. Drugs interfere with this process. Care is much better - in the early days, a bereaved person is like a new born baby. They may not be able to take care of themselves or of their children - they may need help with cooking and shopping. They need to be offered nutritious food, even if they cannot eat much of it, and they need to be offered company, even if they select aloneness.
4. Mourners are undergoing immense psychological change that takes all their physical and emotional energy (and remember this process will continue for months/years). Workplaces should provide support in the form of part-time working and mentoring to assist bereaved people back into their jobs. Schools should take special care of children that are grieving and educate their staff in the effects of mourning.
5. The loss is now a permanent part of the mourner, but the grieving can be successful worked out. Mourners can be happy again, they can regain their trust in the world and they can have flourishing lives. They will never forget, and, to some degree, sadness or tragedy may be stamped on them for the rest of their lives, but the worst will pass. But it will take time - lots of time - lots of patience, self-awareness and gentleness.
Don't hurry mourning - do what you need to do to get through each moment. Trust yourself to know what is best for you - although, by all means, consult those who seem to possess insight into your situation. You need to give yourself a huge amount of self-care. Recognise that society in general will be very poor at supporting you, but that there will be a few precious people who will come with you on the journey. Encourage those people. Remember, you may not be given wisdom (I reject the efficacy of suffering argument - I am no wiser, or kinder for having suffered; in fact, I am more short-tempered, and intolerant), but you will be given knowledge - knowledge of life and death, and of human nature. One day, perhaps, what you have learnt will be a pearl beyond price to another suffering person. In the meantime, your task is to take care of yourself and your immediate dependents.
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